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The Quiet Hotel 





Frank Dumont 



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The Quiet Hotel 



A Farcical Sketch in One Act 



BY 



FRANK DUMONT 

Author of "HOW A WOMAN KEEPS A SECRET", 
"THE DEPOT LUNCH COUNTER," etc. 




PHILADELPHIA 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1912 



J (ft 



<*; 



\\ 



Copyright 1912 by The Penn Publishing Company 



(gCI.D 30751 



The Quiet Hotel 



CHARACTERS 



Miss Calcium An actress, looking for rest. 

Susan Who runs the Quiet Hotel. 

Rubber-Neck . . Colored porter and general assistant. 

Note. — Rubber- Neck may easily be played as a white 
character part if preferred. 

Time: — Twenty-five minutes. 



STORY OF THE SKETCH 

Susan and Rubber-Neck keep a country hotel advertised 
as " very quiet." Miss Calcium, an actress, comes with her 
wardrobe in one suit-case. " You may stay just one day on 
that baggage." Rubber-Neck wants to be an actor. Miss 
Calcium's attempt at tragedy scares Rubber-Neck and Susan. 
"This is a quiet hotel." She shows them how to do it. 
" You are tied to the track." " Hold on, maybe dat train 
don't stop here." The thrilling rescue scene. Rubber- 
Neck's train of cars. " You're both real actors. We'll do 
a sister act in vaudeville." "All right; it's better than 
keeping a quiet hotel." 



COSTUMES 

Miss Calcium. Traveling suit and hat, very pronounced 
and dashing in style. She may be anywhere from twenty 
to forty in age. 

Susan. Smart chambermaid's costume, with rather short 
skirt, and a neat little apron. Age, twenty to thirty. 

Rubber-Neck. Black face (or white, if preferred). May 
be of any age. Wears dark trousers, gingham shirt, and a 
uniform cap with word "Porter" on front. Costume may 
be made comic as desired. 



PROPERTIES 



For Miss Calcium, dress-suit case and umbrella. For 
Rubber-Neck, child's train of cars, dinner-bell, whistle. 
For Susan, call-bell. 

The noise of an approaching train is easily imitated be- 
hind scenes with a piece of sheet-iron which is struck with 
two beaters similar to egg beaters. This effect may, how- 
ever, be omitted if preferred, as the action does not abso- 
lutely depend on it. 



The Quiet Hotel 



SCENE. — Any plain interior will serve. Entrances R. 
and l. Table up c. May be furnished, if preferred, as 
a country hotel office, ivith table c, counter up l., with 
ink-bottle and pen, and bell. Posters on walls advertising 
county fairs and circuses, sales of stock, etc. A few old 
wooden armchairs scattered about. 

( Curtain rises on empty stage. After a slight pause enter 
Miss Calcium, r.) 

Miss C. Well, this place is well named. It's the Quiet 
Hotel, all right. It ought to be a fine rest cure for my 
tired nerves. {Calls musically.') Hello! (Listens.) My, 
just hear that echo ! (Calls again.) Hello ! Hello ! No 
answer. I never before saw a house so completely full of 
emptiness. (Calls.) Landlord! Clerk! Bellboy! Tele- 
phone operator ! Waiter ! Chambermaid ! 

(Each time she calls she raps on counter or floor with 
umbrella. ) 

(Enter Susan, l., leisurely, with hands in apron pockets.) 

Susan. Oh, good-morning ! Er — were you looking for 
any one? 

Miss C. (loudly). Looking for Say, is this really 

a hotel ? 

Susan. Certainly. A little less noise, please. We're 

not used to it. 

Miss C. Oh, indeed. And who are you, please ? 

Susan. Who, me ? Oh, I'm it. 

Miss C. It ? 

Susan. Sure. The main squeeze, the high guy, the 
whole works; in fact, I'm the hotel. 

Miss C. I don't understand. You 

Susan. Why, I'm understudy for the landlord, that's 

5 



6 THE QUIET HOTEL 

all, and incidentally I'm clerk, bookkeeper, chambermaid, 
manicure, stenographer, head cook and bottle washer. Jn 
fact, I'm the whole force, except the porter. 

Miss C. (dazed). Oh, except the porter. I see. So 
you are in full charge of the hotel ? 

Susan. Am I ! If I quit the place it will have to close 
up and move to (name near-by town). 

Miss C. You must be a very important person in this 
hotel. 

Susan (calmly). I am. I own it. 

Miss C. (surprised). You own it? 

(Enter Rubber-Neck, r. He sneaks with exaggerated 
quietness toward the suit-case which is behind Miss C. 
She does not see him. As he is about to snatch it Susan 
frowns and shakes her head at him, and he hastily re- 
treats to door r. His head, however, remains in sight, 
and he keeps his eye on the suit-case.) 

Susan. Yes. You see they owed me so much in wages 
it was cheaper to just give me the hotel than to pay up in 
cash. 

Miss C. Well, you're lucky. (Looks about.) It looks 
like a fine place. 

Susan. Best in the country. You get three meals a day 
here, and at each meal four kinds of meat — ram, lamb, 
sheep and mutton. 

Miss C. But I don't like mutton. 

Susan (firmly). Now don't tell me what you like or 
what you don't like. You like meals, don't you? 

Miss C. Certainly, but 

Susan. Well, that's what you get here — meals, just 
plain meals. 

Miss C. I don't think I'll like it here. When is the 
next train ? 

Susan. The next train just left. 

(Rubber makes another quiet dive for the bag, but Susan 
shakes her head and he scrambles back to door R.) 

Miss C. What were you doing when I came in? 

Susan. Oh, just sweeping down the halls and stairs, 
making the beds, checking up the accounts, doing up my 
hair, shifting two bureaus, setting the dining-room tables, 
and making an apple pie. 



THE QUIET HOTEL 7 

Miss C. Ob, is that all? 

Susan. Yep — nothing to do till to-morrow. This is a 
very quiet, restful place. 

Miss C. Well, I guess I'll try it. The doctor has 
ordered me to take a rest for a week. 

Susan. A week, eh? I suppose you have lots of 
money ? 

Miss C. Well, no. You see, I'm an actress, and I've 
just closed one engagement and am waiting now for another. 

Susan. Humph ! Then you're out of a job? 

Miss C. Er — yes, temporarily. What are your rates ? 
Won't you call the porter and have him take my bag to a 
room ? 

(Rubber starts toiuard bag again hopefully, but Susan 
checks him with a gesture.) 

Susan. Well, I What have you got in the bag? 

Miss C. That bag contains my wardrobe. 

(Rubber disappears.) 

Susan. Well, I guess you can stay one day on that 
baggage if you pay in advance, {Taps bell and calls off 
r. and l.) Porter ! Porter ! Ain't the help something 
awful nowadays ? You can't never depend on them. 
Porter ! 

Rubber {rushing in r. all out of breath). Yas'm, yas'm. 
Here I is. 

Susan {severely). Where were you ? What do you 
mean by keeping this lady waiting ? 

Rubber. Well, I was jest out to the gay-rage, fixin' up 
the limousine, an' 

Susan {loftily), Well, you know I prefer the electric 
runabout in the afternoons. Show the lady up to Room 948. 

Rubber. Yas'm. {Scratches head doubtfully.) You 
said Room 948 ? 

Susan. Yes, and be quick about it. 

(Rubber starts l. zuith bag, but returns.) 

Rubber. Yas'm. Excuse me — but is that de back room 
or de front room? 

Miss C. Oh, any room will suit me. We actresses have 
to get used to all sorts of accommodations. 



8 THE QUIET HOTEL 

Rubber {setting bag down l.) Oh, is you an actress? 

Susan. Certainly she's an actress. She's played in 
Uncle 'loin's Cabin, haven't you, Miss — Miss 

Miss C. Miss Calcium. I'd better sign the register. 
(Goes to counter and writes in book.) Yes, I've played 
Topsy and Little Eva. And I've supported John Drew. 

Rubber. Oh, my, oh, my, she supported John Drew. 
I'm goin' to tell his wife. 

Susan. She means on the stage, stupid. You're a 
blockhead. 

Rubber. Guess I is. Every time I brush my hair I gets 
my fingers full of splinters. So you is an actress? 

(Walks around her admiringly.) 

Miss C. Certainly. 

Rubber. Well, I'm certainly pleased to meet you. I 
was on the stage once. 

Miss C. Oh, were you? Then we are fellow Thespians. 

Rubber (uncertainly). Yas'm, 1 guess so. What secret 
society is dat ? 

Miss C. Thespians — actors, you know. How long were 
you on the stage ? 

Rubber. About twelve hours a day. 

Miss C. Twelve hours a day ! You ought to belong to 
the Actors' Union. Where was it? 

Rubber. Oh, right heah, right heah. I drove the stage 
from heah to (name small town). 

Miss C. (laughing). Oh, I see. 

Rubber. My, it's certainly been de dream of my life to 
meet an actress. (Poses.) I've always thought I'd be an 
actor. 

Susan. You'd be a bad actor. You couldn't do it. 
You need talent to be an actor. 

Rubber. No, all you need is cheek. I got lots of 
cheek. And then, look at my shape. (Poses.) I'm goin' 
to join a show de first chance I get. 

Susan. No you don't, Rubber; no you don't. I need 
you right here in the hotel. 

Rubber. Well. I made up my mind I'm goin' to do it. 

Susan. Well, then, I'll have to confess. I'm an actress 
myself. I've been taking a course in the Theatrical Corre- 
spondence School. 



THE QUIET HOTEL 9 

Miss C. {laughing). Oh, dear! What could you do 
on the stage ? 

Susan. Walk on and make a bluff at it — the way I see 
lots of them do at {name local theatre). 

Rubber. And put on lots of paint. 

Miss C. I never paint. 

Susan. Neither do I. I belong to the Kalsominers' 
Union. If you paint you can't fool a woman for half a 
minute, but you can fool almost any man for nearly two 
minutes. 

Miss C. Well, I'm thankful to say there's nothing false 
about me. 

Susan. Is that your own hair? 

Miss C. Yes, every curl and puff. 

Susan. How much did you pay for it ? 

Miss C. Nature gave it to me. I have only to pull out 
a few hairpins and it falls down to my knees. 

Rubber. If you'd pull 'em all out it would fall down to 
the floor. 

Miss C. You're a rude person. But we actresses have 
to meet all kinds. 

Rubber. Oh, my ! I guess I better apologize. If I said 
anything I should be sorry for I'm glad of it. 

Susan. You must excuse him. He never had any 
bringing up. Where was your father born? 

Rubber. In San Francisco. 

Susan. And your mother ? 

Rubber. In Boston. 

Susan. Well, that accounts for it. 

Rubber. For what ? 

Susan. Your Chicago accent. 

Rubber. Now, don't go springing jokes like that 
on me. 

Miss C. Oh, you'll hear jokes a good deal worse than 
that when you get on the stage. So you both want to act, 
do you? 

Susan. I'm crazy about it. 

Rubber {strutting around). Just try me, dat's all. I'm 
willin' to play any thin' from Hamlet to pinochle. 

Miss C. {thoughtfully). Well, I have been thinking lately 
of forming a little vaudeville company. 

Susan {edging up close to her, ecstatically). Yes, yes — 
go on. 



10 THE QUIET HOTEL 

Rubber {edging up on the other side). Uh-huh ! Go 
on, gal, I'm a-listenin'. 

Miss C. And you're sure you'd like acting? 
Susan. ) , r 
Rubber. } Yes ' »» 

{Slight pause. Miss C. sloiuly walks r. The others 
stand l.) 

MissC. (suddenly). Ah, ha 1 There he stands — {point- 
ing to Rubber) the man who murdered my father 

Rubber {scared). Go 'way, woman, 1 don't know your 
father. 

Miss C. {continuing rapidly and tragically). Then forced 
open the safe and took the jewels and the money. 

Rubber {dodging behind table badly scared). Now lis- 
ten at dat woman lyin' about me. You can't prove it. 

Miss C. {turning on Susan). And you — you helped him 
in his dastardly work. {Goes l.) You poisoned the child 
— muh — muh poor little che-ild. 

{She weeps. Susan retreats around table, but Rubber 
pushes her away.) 

Rubber. Go on away. Don't you touch me. You 
poisoned a kid. I always knew you was that kind of a 
woman. My, ain't you ashamed of yourself? 

Miss C. {to both). Then you destroyed the will and set 
fire to the house. 

Susan. The woman's crazy ! 

Rubber. Oh, let me out of here ! Police ! Fire ! 
Murder ! 

Miss C. {making a sudden movement toward Rubber). 
Villain ! Your time has come. Scoundrel — you cannot 
escape me. 

{Makes a rush for the table. Rubber and Susan both dive 
under it.) 

Susan (under table). Oh, dear, I'm sorry I let her 
stay. 

Rubber {under table). She's crazy as a June-bug — 
that's what she is. She's sufferin' with the heat. 

Miss C. {laughing silently — then continuing in tragic 
to tie). I have tracked you at last. I am that old man's 
daughter. 



THE QUIET HOTEL II 

Rubber. Say, lady, all the money I got's in the pocket 
of my other pants out in the stable. Won't you take it and 
leave here? 

Miss C. Money ! What do I care for money now ! 
The law could not reach you — but I will. 

(She seizes Rubber and drags him from under the table, 
and throws him l. ; then pulls out Susan, crying, " You, 
too,'" and throws her r. They sit on floor, frightened. 
Miss C. sits on table c, fanning herself.) 

Rubber. Honest, lady, I never done it. 

Susan (crying). Oh, please go — please go. 

Miss C. (laughing). Well, how do you like acting 
now ? 

Rubber (rising). Was that acting? 

Susan (rising). You don't mean it? 

Miss C. Certainly. That is a scene from my great part 
in "A Woman's Secret; or, Foiled by Fate." 

Susan. And people paid real money to see that ? 

Miss C. Of course. We played to capacity houses for 
weeks. 

Rubber. Gee ! (He picks up suit-case and runs out r.) 

Susan. Well, if people are as easy as that I guess I can 
get their money. What do you have to learn first? 

Miss C. Well, the first thing is the voice. You must 
have a good, strong voice to be an actor. 

(Enter Rubber, r., swinging a lantern.) 

Rubber (in a loud singsong voice mostly in one note). 
Train — goin' west ! Buffalo — Cleveland — Chicago — Omaha 
— Denver — Salt Lake — Yellowstone Park — Seattle — Tacoma 
— Alaska — and all way stations! — Train — goin' — west! 
Al 1-1-1 aboard ! 

Miss C. (putting hands over ears). Mercy, his voice is 
strong enough. 

Rubber. I can do it louder. (Begins again, more 
loudly.) Train goin' — east — Chicago 

Miss C. (hands over ears). That will do ! I thought 
this was a quiet hotel. 

Susan (grabbing Rubber and stopping him). Cut it 
out. We know you can do it. 

Miss C. So you liked that acting, did you? 



12 THE QUIET HOTEL 

Susan. Show us how to do it and you can board here 
for nothing. 

Miss C. Well, that's very bad acting. I'm not going to 
do any more of it. 

Rubber. Not on me, you won't. 

Miss C. But I'll show you how to do the real thing. 
When you've once begun, stick to it, and you'll win. Per- 
sistent effort — that's the key to success. 

Rubber. That's me. Hard work's my middle name. 
Yas'm, 1 kin stick to it all right. 

Miss C. Very well. I see — I see you both have talent, 
and can stand hard knocks. (To Susan.) We'll go into 
vaudeville. You and I will do a sister act. 

Rubber. Oh, won't you let me be a sister to you ? 

Miss C. I'll think about it. I'll arrange a part for you 
in a melodramatic sketch I have written. I call it " The 
Special Train." 

Rubber {starting across stage calling as before). Train 
— goin' — north ! Nottingham — Newbury — Newport — No- 
blestown — Norwood — Nux Vomica, and New York ! All-1-1 
aboard ! 

(Susan and Miss C. try to slop him.) 

Miss C. Don't do that again ; do you hear? 

Rubber. Yes'm. Tell me about dis " Special Train." 

Miss C. All the managers are crazy about it. 

Rubber. If you stay here much longer I'll be as crazy 
as they are. 

Miss C. Now this sketch is very simple and easily re- 
hearsed. Here are the railroad tracks. 

(Points to floor. Rubber peers at floor, then taps his head.) 

Rubber. She's seeing things again ! 
Miss C. There is the ticket office ! (Points r.) 
Susan. That's the barber shop. 
Miss C. And I am — the villain ! 
Rubber. We know that. 

Miss C. (to Rubber). I take you and tie you to the 
railroad track. 

RUBBER. Good-night ! (Starts r.) 

Miss C. Wait a moment ! 

Rubber. No, ma'am ! You are too dangerous for me. 



THE QUIET HOTEL 13 

Miss C. But no harm comes to you ; for as the special 
train comes dashing along 

Rubber {interrupting). Wait a minute ! Wait a min- 
ute ! Maybe dat train don't stop at dis station — then it's 
good-bye nigger for me ! 

Susan. Don't be a coward ! You can die but once. 

Rubber. Well — once is enough for me ! I don't know 
how to die. I ain't had no practice. 

Miss C. Then I will not call upon you to lie upon the 
track — I will lie there myself. 

Susan {heroically). And I will save you. 

Rubber. And I'll get the reward. 

Miss C. Now, then, to business. I am tied to the track. 
(To Rubber.) You'll be the train. You go and get a 
locomotive ! 

Rubber. Say ! I done told you that woman ain't 
right. Where am I going to steal a locomotive? 

Miss C. Oh, get a train of cars ! Now don't stand 
there talking. Do as I tell you. Get the train ! Get the 
special train ! 

Susan (imitating). Get the train — get the special train. 
Ask Willie for a train of cars. 

Miss C. (pushing Rubber l.). Go on. Get the train. 
Get the special train ! 

(Susan and Miss C. push Rubber offh. 2 e., as he protests.) 

Susan {laughing). The idea ! He doesn't know where 
to steal a little thing like a locomotive ! 

Miss C. Now to business ! I lie here upon the tracks. 
(Lies with head toward footlights.) When I scream for 
help, you come and pull me off the tracks. Remember your 
cue. 

Susan. All right! (Runs up r. c. ) What's my cue? 

Miss C. Save me — some one — save me ! 

Susan. All right. Save me — some one — save me ! 

Miss C. Ah ! The train is coming at the rate of sixty 
miles a second. 

Susan (shouting). Save me — some one — save me ! 

Miss C. (sitting up). Wait until I say it. The special 
train is coming at the rate of sixty miles a second. (Music 
hurry. Whistle of train is heard in distance ivith noise of 
train. See properties. The noise grows louder and nearer. 
Miss C. screams.) Save me ! Save me ! Who will save 



14 THE QUIET HOTEL 

me ? (Susan it hopping about, not knowing 7vhat to do, 
and Miss C. repeats the cue several times, and then shouts 
over the din.) Come on and save me ! That's your cue ! 
{Just as Susan it about to drag Miss C. from the supposed 
tracks Rubber prances on from l. 2 e., ivith a small tin or 
toy locomotive and cars to which a string is attached. He 
is ringing a dinner-bell and blowing a whistle, which he 
holds between his teeth. He goes across the stage making a 
detour to avoid running over the others. At r. he pauses 
and looks back at them, still ringing bell. Miss C. rises.) 
Oh, dramatic art ! What crimes are committed in thy 
name ! (To Rubber.) Stop ringing that bell. (She stands 
C, Susan l. Rubber stops ringing and begins to blow 
whistle.) Stop that whistling ! 

(Miss C. snatches whistle from Rubber.) 

Rubber (grieved and surprised). Didn't you done tole 
me to stick to it, when I once begun ? 

Susan. Certainly she did. 

Miss C. (laughing). Yes, I did, but 

Rubber. Well, I'm a-stickin'. (Rings bell.) And you 
said this is the special train, didn't you? 

Miss C. Yes, but this is a quiet hotel, and 

Rubber (firmly). It's goin' to be still quieter. If you're 
goin' you better git on. Al-1-1 aboard — special way train 
for the subway, the Great White Way and Broadway. 
(Blows whistle.) Al-1-1 aboard ! 

Susan. That's it — that's the way I'm going. No more 
hotel for mine! (Dramatic gesture.) It's me for the foot- 
lights. 

Miss C. (a, 7vith others either side of her). You're 
both all right. Hereafter we're the Calcium Comedy Com- 
pany, Unlimited ! We'll take the Quiet Hotel to Broad- 
way and make a noise with it they can hear half-way to 
San Francisco ! — All -1-1 aboard ! 

( The sketch may be ended ivith a song or other specialty if 
preferred.) 



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